Memo to Game

The Binding of Isaac DEMO (Edmund McMillan & Florian Himsl)

Super Meat Boy was a truly awesome game. It is only natural, then, that a second game should be made. That game is The Binding of Isaac, a watered down Zelda like contraption which randomizes its worlds, special items and enemies.

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Good Bye, My Love! (Torsten Hartmann)

If the world ever comes to an end, at least I can I say I’ve played a flash game that works both as an art game AND as an arcade game.

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Thelemite (Sosker)

"Thelemite could well be described as the most epic game of all time. I would give Thelemite this description too, but I fear my X button would write in with a letter of complaint."

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Billy Suicide (Dave Lasala)

"While there may be some truth in the notion that a depressed young man's quality of life will improve with the company and favours of a co habiting girlfriend, it must also be as true that said girlfriend will seem as interesting and significant as a sex doll with a malfunctioning novelty pull string."

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Twist and Hurl (Adult Swim Games)

"Moreish collectibles have become an occasional treat as opposed to the requirement they once were. Is it a reference to the obesity crisis? Is it a sign of modern times? Political correctness gone mad? Nah. Twist and Hurl is doing its own thing."

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Memo to Gay: Aaron in Emmerdale

Danny Miller's gay character, Aaron, who stars in the early evening soap Emmerdale strikes me as something of a bad boy with a soft center.

Aaron's violent outbursts, which were often caused by fear of his repressed homosexuality, was a stark contrast to the passive, 'I'll come right out, just after I've finished feeling sorry for myself' situation that made milk and melodrama out ofEastender's long-suffering gay couple Christian and Syed.

Because, like women, gay people are perhaps most interesting to an audience when we see them suffer. That and Emmerdale is generally a heterosexual Soap Opera.

Because all gay characters in soaps are often plagued with story lines such as 'I'm struggling with my sexuality', 'I've married a woman and she doesn't know!', 'We're having a civil union!' and - everyone's favourite - 'We're buying a dog!' In soap world, a gay kiss is still news in 2010. And when all of this is said and done, you can be sure the rest of their lines are a series of cattyput downs just to ensure the audience remember that, you know - he's one of them.

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Memo to Game: Gnome Armageddon

My poor 'S' key...

Self proclaimed 'Mini Game' Gnome Armageddon has you play as 'Little Freakin' Knight' Larry as you do battle with a series of gnome populated skirmishes over a course of 20 in game days.

The game takes a Streets of Rage beat-em-up mentality with the seemingly deliberate limitation of mashing a single 'attack' button.

Other buttons include firing slingshot projectiles, throwing and exchanging weapons and jumping. The slingshot projectiles are useful for destroying certain types of enemy. In contrast, you'll probably forget you'll have a jump button despite the tutorial highlighting its importance by forcing you to leap over a tall pile of boxes.

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Memo to Game: The Company of Myself

"[T]he false sense of security Company provides throughout the game itself does not equip those for what is essentially a 'fuck you' ending."

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Memo to Game: Bart Bronte's Klikwerk

If there's one lesson that creators of rhythm based games ought to learn, it's that beautiful graphics count for nothing.

This isn't a lesson just for those responsible for flash or indie type rhythm based games, oh no. This one one applies to the corporate guys too. Just look at the slick, but ultimately meaningless, animated backgrounds that sit behind the 'corridors of bars' in any Rock Band instalment.

Fortunately, this lesson appears to be acknowledged by one Bart Bronte, creator of Klikwerk, who doesn't play around much with any of his graphics. The exception is a slight, slow and blocky animation that appears in his space invader populated background. Though what's impressive about this background is that it also works as the grid where Klikwerk's awesome gamplay takes place.

'Awesome' might seem too big a word to describe the gameplay. For one thing, Klikwerk only contains one level and, for those who achieve a high enough score (which is achievable just after a few plays), a bonus level  that's designed to reward dedicated players with extended and further challenging gameplay. But thanks to the gameplay's balanced variation, by commanding the player to point, click, drag, drop and at times repeatedly mash the spacebar, it feels as though Klikwerk, as slight as it is, takes rhythm based gameplay to a satisfying new whole.

Furthermore, considering Klikwerk uses the mouse attached to a non console product, it could be argued that it takes rhythm based gameplay to a whole new level as well. At last, cool rhythm based gameplay for nerds! For once, we're rock stars and we didn't need to raid Gregg's to fork out cash for pretend equipment!

If Klikwerk lacks anything it is surprisingly the music itself because there isn't any, not really. What's there is a sort of beat boxing at its most primitive accompanied with a generic, though easy on the ears, electronic voice that asserts each command. The sound then, is as minimal as the graphics and you have to wonder if that's what Bronte had intended all along. Certainly it compliments the gameplay by conveying to the player that gameplay is all that matters.

And that's a lesson creators of any genre would do well to learn.

MEMO TO GAME: DON'T INSTRUCT THOSE ALIENS TO TAP DANCE, MR. BRONTE. EVER.

You can have a blast with Klikwerk here.

Memo to Game: The Human Centipede - The Game

The Human Centipede - The Game is based from The Human Centipede - The Grossout. Oh, the latter is also a horror movie that stars that bloke from Lost. It also involves mouth to anus but not in an especially good way unless your into half human, half insect... thing. There's always one.

Anyway, here's the flash game adaptation, created by those responsible for humour's website i-mockery.com Could it have been anyone else? Should I really ask that?

Perhaps interestingly (and perhaps unsurprisingly) the roles have been somewhat reversed for the game.

You play as doctor turned madman Dr. Heiter who, like in the film, is obsessed with creating the world's first (and we hope last) Human centipede. In case you're not aware of the procedure, it involves using a bit of leg meat and using it to attach one mouth's to another's butt hole.

Wait a minute, this stuff is classed as surgery, right? Doesn't that make Dr. Heiter a surgeon who therefore should be known as Mr. Heiter?

Whatever it is, I don't think Dr. Heiter did a very good job here. I mean, he hasn't even bothered to shave their heads. And given their hair colour (purple? blue?), he seems to like people who edge along creative and perhaps experimental. Or perhaps he raided some alternative club. No wonder they're 'rebelling' as the in game story suggests.

The gameplay could be best described as a cross between Space Invaders and Pang. Each level presents the doctor with a full length human centipede that gradually snakes its way to the bottom of the screen. Each time the doctor successfully shoots a 'segment' of the centipede, that sprite turns into a tombstone that, unless destroyed, acts as collision for future centipedes and thus manipulates their route to the bottom (ha ha! I said... never mind...). If any segment reaches the bottom (ha ha!) and touches (ho ho!) Dr. Heiter, he will lose a life.

Though I'm not sure why.

Elsewhere, random enemies and items, such as cops and falling knives, will appear seemingly out of nowhere. Both add slight variation to the gameplay while rewarding the player with bonus points should they successfully shoot any of them.

The game includes a Top 10 scoreboard and numerous achievements, some of which are so super secret they can only be unlocked should you play the game for a certain length of time. That length could be longer than you think given the difficulty ramps up pretty quickly. Also it doesn't help that the fire button isn't exactly responsive...

Perhaps the biggest disappointment might be that it doesn't match the overall theme/story of the movie. Discounting the 'story' segment before the actual game begins, those who know little to nothing about the film aren't going to learn much of anything here nor does it have anything new to offer 'fans'.

In fact, given the context it takes - the rebellion of the human centipede - the game actually makes it sound more like a Sci Fi movie than anything Horror oriented.

MEMO TO GAME: Neon hair dye and tombstones? Really?

You can play the Human Centipede at i-mockery.com or indeed here.